Jokes Jokes Jokes - Page 4 - Simply Maya User Community

# 46 15-06-2006 , 08:15 AM

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there were 2 brothers who always got in trouble, never did there homework and always late for school and goofoffs.
so the teacher decided for them to go to the local baptist church.

soon they were both sitting in church waiting there for father John.

when he finally came he said. "i would like to speak with the older brother first. will he rise?".
one of them stood up. father told him to come and sit next to him. when he did father asked.

"son do you know where god is"? the little boy froze but said nothing.
again he asked "son do you know where god is"?. the little boy freaked out but still remained in his chair.
again he asked. " for heavens sake my son, do you know where God is."
the boy chould take it any longer. he got of his chair ran past his friend, out of the church, through the
park all the way home. his brother went after him. when they got home, the older one, still running, went upstairs
to his room and went under his bed. the younger one still went after him.

"why did you run away"?? the younger said.

"God is hiding and the father thinks we have him".

A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice!!

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# 47 15-06-2006 , 02:30 PM

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Join Date: May 2005

Location: Manchester Uk

Posts: 6,300

Think this one'sa bit of an urban legend but here goes :-

A woman went into the local supermarket and bought two instant barbeques.

The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside as suggested by the picture on the front (the picture showed food cooking on the BBQ).

The assistant told her that these were just the actual barbeques for cooking on and that there was no food inside.

"Oh dear" said the woman. "I'd better take the other one out of the freezer then"!

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# 48 15-06-2006 , 03:07 PM

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this one is really funny too

Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

Live the life you love, love the life you live

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# 49 15-06-2006 , 06:04 PM

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MAT THEMAN thats a good 1

heres 1 soz bout the wording of it

A man walks into a bar ................. OUCH!!
(i couldnt resist)

A man walks into a bar with a peach for a head
the bar tender asks him y he hasa peach for a head
the man explains....
'well i found this lamp and i rubbed it an a genie came out and said
i can grant u 3 wishes but be warned they often go wrong

the man goes OK and wishes for a porsche and the wish comes true
he then wishes for a million pounds and the wish comes true
finally he says "i wish to have a peach as a head"
..and it came true

second joke

another man finds a genie and says what eva u wish for ur wife will get doube the says ok

1) i wish for a new house - he gets it an his wife gets 2
2) i wish for a ferrari - he gets its and his wife gets 2
3) i wish to beaten half to death

Now at SMU doing BSc 3D Computer Animation so its hard to get on here
My wire render tut https://forum.simplymaya.com/showthre...threadid=20973

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# 50 15-06-2006 , 08:45 PM

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Location: Manchester Uk

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A chimp walks into a bar and aske the barman for a pint of lager, the barman looks starled by the talking chimp, but thinks hey what the heck i'll serve him and pulls the chimp a pint of lager.

He hands the pint to the chimp and says £5.50 please, the chimp hands over the money. The bramans curiosity gets the better of him and hes has to find out how the chimp can talk so he says "You know we dont get that many talksing chimps in here.."

The chimp looks at the barman startled and replys "At £5.50 a pint i'm not bloody suprised!"

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# 51 15-06-2006 , 09:15 PM

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Join Date: Feb 2003

Location: UK

Posts: 6,287

Too tame...

3 guys are sitting in a hotel bar bragging about how many times a night they can each make love to their girlfriends for. All three trying to out do one another

'Twice' says the first guy,
'Three' times says the second guy
'5' says the third guy.

In the end the 2nd guy says, 'right tonite you gotta go for it. Make love to your girlfriend like you've never done before and in the morning over breakfast we'll see who the winner is.

They all agree, but the first guy says how will we tell each other when the girls are with us at breakfast?

They ponder, then the third guy says, 'We'll do it in code, when we order slices of toast, if you do it twice in one nite thats 2 toasts and so on...

Excellent, they all finish their drinks and head off to bed for a nite of hot sex with their girlfriends.

The next morning they arrive for breakfast with their girlfriends and the waiter comes to take the orders.

The first guy orders looking quite pleased with himself, 'I'd like 3 slices of toast please!'

The two others nod in respect at him

The second guy orders looking rather pleased as well, ' I'd like 4 slices of toast please!'

Again the other two node their appreciation

The waiter turns to the third guy who is sitting looking very smarmy indeed and very pleased with himself , 'I'd like 7 slices of toast please....'

The two reamaining guys look on at him completely stunned

Third guy continues ' that will be 3 brown and 4 white please!'

:bandit:

Cheers
Jay

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# 52 15-06-2006 , 11:59 PM

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to good jay :bandit:

late on night there was an old bum on a bus with no money and no family. he scraped all his cents that he found to get a bus ticket back to his shack.
while just keeping to himself, the bus stopped to pick up a passenger. "who would be getting on a bus at this time of night" he thought.
the passenger was a beautiful and a very sexy blonde. he just couldn’t keep his eyes of her. "ooohhh i hope she gets off the same stop as mine" he thought to himself. he was just nearing the place where he was to get off
when the blonde pushed the stop button. "oh damn she's getting of earlier than me but....... I GOTTA GO SEE WHERE SHE'S GOING".
immediately he stood up and went after her. just when he's about to get off the bus driver whispered to him. "i know where shes off to." "Really, tell me sir". "well every other night at 1:40am she goes to her moms grave to morn and pray for her soul". "okay thanks for the info".
quietly he follows her, and the bus driver was true when she got to the grave she sat on her knees, hands together and prayed. "dear mother
its has been a very difficult life for me since you died, i lost my job, no cash in my pockets and iam still a virgin. So would you send an angel from God to relief me of my pain.
"thats it i got it" he said to himself.
he ran as fast has he could to the nearest store bought a 2 dollar angel costume.
when he came back she was still praying. oh just my luck he thought.
he sneaked around her till he was behind the grave. then stood up on top and said in a very formal deep commanding voice. "iam the angel sent from your dear mother
to release the pain which art in thy heart." "oh mother i knew you'd answer me". soon or later he never felt better in his life. i wished i did this when i
was 15. a few hours past and he though he'd better get back to his shack. but thought of a very nasty little trick he could do to humiliate her.
he stood up shredded all his cloths off and said laughing real hard "haha fooled you iam just a bum on a bus". then the blonde stood up took of her clothes. and said "haha
fooled you i'm the bus driver".

A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice!!

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# 53 16-06-2006 , 10:23 AM

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The jokes were tame cos I didn't want to offend!!

Oh well,

How do accountants deal with constipation??

They work it out with a pencil.

Whats the difference between Bono (from U2) and god??

God dosen't walk round Dublin thinking he's Bono!

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# 54 16-06-2006 , 03:25 PM

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Ha ha - Good one gster123.

Ok, don't know if this one has already been posted.

A man walks into a bar and puts down a small bag. He says to the barman, 'If I show you something amazing will you give me a pint?' The barman says 'sure', so the man pulls out of the bag a small piano, stool and a 12 inch man wearing a top hat who promptly sits down and plays a few bars of Beethoven.

'That's amazing!' says the barman pulling the man a pint. 'Where did you find him?'

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. 'Rub the lamp!'

The barman rubs the lamp and out pops an old genie who says: 'I grant you one wish!'

'I want a million bucks' says the barman and two seconds later the bar doors swing open and in waddle a million ducks. 'I said bucks, NOT DUCKS!' shouts the barman over the quacking.

The man at the bar looks at the barman and says, 'you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?'

arran3D

arran3D blog

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# 55 16-06-2006 , 04:03 PM

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haha! funny one Gster and Arran user added image

Live the life you love, love the life you live

Last edited by MattTheMan; 16-06-2006 at 06:51 PM.

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# 56 16-06-2006 , 06:40 PM

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top notch arran :lmao:

Now at SMU doing BSc 3D Computer Animation so its hard to get on here
My wire render tut https://forum.simplymaya.com/showthre...threadid=20973

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# 57 17-06-2006 , 01:55 PM

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i have to put this in as it just got voted worlds funniest joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

i thinks its good but not the best:lmao:
have a look here to see what countries found wat funniest
click me

Now at SMU doing BSc 3D Computer Animation so its hard to get on here
My wire render tut https://forum.simplymaya.com/showthre...threadid=20973

Last edited by pbman; 17-06-2006 at 01:58 PM.

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# 58 19-06-2006 , 04:20 AM

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my

family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact,
the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation
and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
I'll do the f**king dishes!"

01001011011101010111011101100101011001010110101101 10010101100101

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# 59 19-06-2006 , 08:41 PM

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classic guilotine joke which i convenantly animated in flashbu will also tell here in words as some people have problem listen to my sound.

English Irish and Scots men in a line to get taken to guilotine for whatever crimes

English man coes up and lies face up to see god when he dies
as the gillotine is realsed theres a BIG OOOO but the blade gets stuck!
the law of the gillotine states if this happens the prisoner can go free!

Scots Man goes next! againhe prays to his god the blade falls and get stuck! the crowd is dissopointed but the scots man goes free too.

The Irish man is next up be he trys to escape kicking and screaming! im not going on that guillotine untill its FIXED!

see my moive here:-
https://newgrounds.com/portal/view/314045

meh deviant art is down so you have to see it on newgrounds

-----------I need to learn maya quickly!

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